I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
