To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the day after is always just damage control
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
