so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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