So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
