i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.