How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
