oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
