I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
