dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
