I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
