Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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