Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
