Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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