I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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