Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
