I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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