My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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