No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
