I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
