I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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