last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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