I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
