mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
