can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
