Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
