I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
tell me about the eggs
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
