I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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