So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
