You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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