Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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