I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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