I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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