She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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