I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
