This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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