I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
