woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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