The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
