Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
