at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
