i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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