I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
