no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
