Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
