3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
