i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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