At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Your cock deserves a montage
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
