I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
