After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
