Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
