Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
