You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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