I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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