Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
