I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
