By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
