no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
